Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Trying so hard...
I spend so much time trying so hard to be what I have set to be for other people. The smile they need when they're having a.bad day, the laugh they want to share, the happiness they're missing, the friend, the sister, the girlfriend, and the daughter they are looking for. I am so content and at peace with all of those things until I search deep for the smile of my own I need when I'm having a bad day, the happiness I am missing from my own life, and the person I want to be, for me. What road am I meant to travel, who is meant to come along and in my journey if I am so empty, how am I suppose to genuinely give allof these things to those that I love the most?? I am trying so hard to be a better girlfriend because I fall short every single day, I am trying hard to be a great friend and a loving sister but everyday feel like I am failing miserably. I need to try hard being me... but I am so scared of losing... losing this unknown battle of emotions and outcomes... I need some guidance, some direction, is anyone out there?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Light amidst the Darkness
Tonight, I decided to take a mental break from the world. Something I feel is necessary to flush out anything that has caused any form of stress, animosity, or negativity.
I lit seven candles this evening and set them in the window sill of my bedroom. Seven beautiful candles,each of their own deep and vibrant color,each of their own dancing flicker from the calm summer-like night breeze. Each somehow holding their own meaning, their own song, their own story of love,of hardship,of losses and of gain.
Now, only six dancing flickers, the first taken by a force of wind that it couldn't stand to hold. I've decided that this one represents those that I have lost, those that I have lost to a battle they chose to lose all on their own. Those that gave up so easily to the strong winds of life... the winds that came and then gone. Those that no matter how big the number nor how tall the crowd didn't see that their light was the brightest shining light amongst all of our own.
Two more are fading away, these represent those I use to call my friend, those who didn't seem to understand that friendship was a whole lot more than the good times. Those that thought they'd be better off finding something that can only be found in a childs dream. Those that only heard what they wanted rather than having an appreciation for someone who wouldn't tell them anything but the truth... Fading away and then gone.
Four are still lit, one with no movement, an almost blinding, still brightness, two together, with completely different dances, and another, that when it's focused on, lets off its beautiful aroma and ever so often bright flicker. The beautiful aroma of the earth, the chirping of birds, the flow of the river, the dance of the trees, and the coming and going of the sun. The two together are my family and friends that even so dim in comparison to the still canndle, are shining brightly, continuously there, dancing their own dances but coming together to stand the test of time of what true love and friendship really is. Lastly, my God, shining brightly and still, always, always watching me, always letting me be who I wish to be, and if I choose, always shining so bright as my reminder that HE is the one guiding my way,who without, the others would not exist.
I will fall asleep tonight, as I do every night, with these four candles always lit in my life. Each one of them a blessing.
"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12
I lit seven candles this evening and set them in the window sill of my bedroom. Seven beautiful candles,each of their own deep and vibrant color,each of their own dancing flicker from the calm summer-like night breeze. Each somehow holding their own meaning, their own song, their own story of love,of hardship,of losses and of gain.
Now, only six dancing flickers, the first taken by a force of wind that it couldn't stand to hold. I've decided that this one represents those that I have lost, those that I have lost to a battle they chose to lose all on their own. Those that gave up so easily to the strong winds of life... the winds that came and then gone. Those that no matter how big the number nor how tall the crowd didn't see that their light was the brightest shining light amongst all of our own.
Two more are fading away, these represent those I use to call my friend, those who didn't seem to understand that friendship was a whole lot more than the good times. Those that thought they'd be better off finding something that can only be found in a childs dream. Those that only heard what they wanted rather than having an appreciation for someone who wouldn't tell them anything but the truth... Fading away and then gone.
Four are still lit, one with no movement, an almost blinding, still brightness, two together, with completely different dances, and another, that when it's focused on, lets off its beautiful aroma and ever so often bright flicker. The beautiful aroma of the earth, the chirping of birds, the flow of the river, the dance of the trees, and the coming and going of the sun. The two together are my family and friends that even so dim in comparison to the still canndle, are shining brightly, continuously there, dancing their own dances but coming together to stand the test of time of what true love and friendship really is. Lastly, my God, shining brightly and still, always, always watching me, always letting me be who I wish to be, and if I choose, always shining so bright as my reminder that HE is the one guiding my way,who without, the others would not exist.
I will fall asleep tonight, as I do every night, with these four candles always lit in my life. Each one of them a blessing.
"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12
Monday, May 3, 2010
Yeah!! I do have amazing friends and Ill brag about them as much as I want!!!!
A dear friends facebook note has inspired me to count just a few of many blessings that my amazing friends bring into my life everyday. In no specific order....
1. Honesty- I am so thankful that no matter how harsh or hurtful the truth is, 100% honesty is all you have to bring to the table in our friendship. For short or long term purposes, I know that you all have my best interest in mind and would never mask something just so that I may feel better or like you more in that moment of time. I am also so thankful that my true friends appreciate how honest I am with them and in the long run have an understanding of why honesty is the most important aspect in any kind of relationship.
2. Loyalty- Correct me if I am wrong but I think I can speak for most when I say that we have all grown up so different from one another and have completely different backgrounds and life stories to share. I personally am so blessed to have friends that understand this concept, can accept it, and be my friend regardless. Loyalty isn't just being a friend in the good times, its being a friend in the good, the bad, the ugly, the annoying, the tragic, the dramatic, and the crazy times. Thank you all for being you and allowing me to be me, sticking by each others side all along the way.
3. Joy- I don't think I can express just how greatful and proud I am to have all of my friends who bring joy to my life. Laughing and Loving are two of my favorite things to do. I love being loved and love being laughed with.I enjoy it almost more than anything else in life. You, my friends, are so great to me and I am so blessed to find joy in each one of our relationships. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
4. Happiness- This goes hand in hand with joy. From the little moments of happiness to the big moments of happiness... I am one LUCKY girl!!! If I could tag all of my friends who make me as happy as I am today, I would.. but it's not possible. Keep bringing me the happiness and our amazing friendships can only continue to grow!
5. Strength- This is a huge one for me. It is the most hard attribute to have when things dont go right, it is the easiest thing to give up, and its so simply lost if it is not practiced. I can not express in words how strong my friends are and have made me. There are two paths you can take and its been a huge blessing that my friends choose this one. I don't know where I would be if they didnt have it. I know from personal experience that the strength I have and share has saved a friends life and that is the biggest accomplishment in the whole world for me. Words will never say how much of a blessing this is and how much I admire every single one of my friends for having this.
6. Accountability- Thank God that majority( the people that matter most to me, sorry for those that take offense to this) are accountable. There has not been one instant that my true friends have not been there for me the second that I have needed them. (Within reason of course) They are there to listen, to counsel, to guide, to make me laugh, to make me smile, to push me through, the list goes on... Plans made are always followed through with and even if it costs an extra dime to spend time together, they make it happen!!! Money is replaceable, friendships are not and I am so so so SO greatful that I am blessed with friends that understand this. This paragraph in itself could be a novel but I will stop here because I think the point is proven.
As I said these are just some to name a few and I am so blessed to have the best of friends that anyone could ask for. New and Old... the memories will continue to be made and I hope that from here on out, you are all here with me until the end. I love you all so much and am so proud to call you my friends.... thank you for everything you have done for me. Whoever does not have you in their life is missing out on some of the most amazing gifts ever given. <3 <3 <3
1. Honesty- I am so thankful that no matter how harsh or hurtful the truth is, 100% honesty is all you have to bring to the table in our friendship. For short or long term purposes, I know that you all have my best interest in mind and would never mask something just so that I may feel better or like you more in that moment of time. I am also so thankful that my true friends appreciate how honest I am with them and in the long run have an understanding of why honesty is the most important aspect in any kind of relationship.
2. Loyalty- Correct me if I am wrong but I think I can speak for most when I say that we have all grown up so different from one another and have completely different backgrounds and life stories to share. I personally am so blessed to have friends that understand this concept, can accept it, and be my friend regardless. Loyalty isn't just being a friend in the good times, its being a friend in the good, the bad, the ugly, the annoying, the tragic, the dramatic, and the crazy times. Thank you all for being you and allowing me to be me, sticking by each others side all along the way.
3. Joy- I don't think I can express just how greatful and proud I am to have all of my friends who bring joy to my life. Laughing and Loving are two of my favorite things to do. I love being loved and love being laughed with.I enjoy it almost more than anything else in life. You, my friends, are so great to me and I am so blessed to find joy in each one of our relationships. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
4. Happiness- This goes hand in hand with joy. From the little moments of happiness to the big moments of happiness... I am one LUCKY girl!!! If I could tag all of my friends who make me as happy as I am today, I would.. but it's not possible. Keep bringing me the happiness and our amazing friendships can only continue to grow!
5. Strength- This is a huge one for me. It is the most hard attribute to have when things dont go right, it is the easiest thing to give up, and its so simply lost if it is not practiced. I can not express in words how strong my friends are and have made me. There are two paths you can take and its been a huge blessing that my friends choose this one. I don't know where I would be if they didnt have it. I know from personal experience that the strength I have and share has saved a friends life and that is the biggest accomplishment in the whole world for me. Words will never say how much of a blessing this is and how much I admire every single one of my friends for having this.
6. Accountability- Thank God that majority( the people that matter most to me, sorry for those that take offense to this) are accountable. There has not been one instant that my true friends have not been there for me the second that I have needed them. (Within reason of course) They are there to listen, to counsel, to guide, to make me laugh, to make me smile, to push me through, the list goes on... Plans made are always followed through with and even if it costs an extra dime to spend time together, they make it happen!!! Money is replaceable, friendships are not and I am so so so SO greatful that I am blessed with friends that understand this. This paragraph in itself could be a novel but I will stop here because I think the point is proven.
As I said these are just some to name a few and I am so blessed to have the best of friends that anyone could ask for. New and Old... the memories will continue to be made and I hope that from here on out, you are all here with me until the end. I love you all so much and am so proud to call you my friends.... thank you for everything you have done for me. Whoever does not have you in their life is missing out on some of the most amazing gifts ever given. <3 <3 <3
The Greater Things in Life
To me, it's the simple things in life that matter the most.
Very recently I was let go from a company I had been with for 3 years. It was in an industry that I was definitely considering making a career and though it didn't pay very much, I loved my job and what more could you ask for?? The proposed reasoning of it all can be justified by myself [and most others] as ridiculous but it's pointless to even discuss it any more than I already have.
Moral of the story: I, if not more than ever before, have such a high respect and overwhelming love for all of my family and my friends. Having so much time off has allowed me to get to know each one of them better and I am so proud to say that every one of them has as big of a smile on their face as I do, all the time.[I need that] They have come through for me in so many ways from the simple small things to the great and complicated things. I need to thank every one of them for it. Thank you for the motivation to stay healthy and fit, thank you for the motivation to go after what I really want rather than settling only for what I can get, thank you most importantly for challenging me every day to be a better person and a better friend. I couldn't ask for more understanding and whole hearted genuine friends.
I now have the freedom to open up, express, and introduce myself to new people. The recent connections I have made are phenomenal and I cant wait to get to know them on a different level.
Life, is SO good!!!
Very recently I was let go from a company I had been with for 3 years. It was in an industry that I was definitely considering making a career and though it didn't pay very much, I loved my job and what more could you ask for?? The proposed reasoning of it all can be justified by myself [and most others] as ridiculous but it's pointless to even discuss it any more than I already have.
Moral of the story: I, if not more than ever before, have such a high respect and overwhelming love for all of my family and my friends. Having so much time off has allowed me to get to know each one of them better and I am so proud to say that every one of them has as big of a smile on their face as I do, all the time.[I need that] They have come through for me in so many ways from the simple small things to the great and complicated things. I need to thank every one of them for it. Thank you for the motivation to stay healthy and fit, thank you for the motivation to go after what I really want rather than settling only for what I can get, thank you most importantly for challenging me every day to be a better person and a better friend. I couldn't ask for more understanding and whole hearted genuine friends.
I now have the freedom to open up, express, and introduce myself to new people. The recent connections I have made are phenomenal and I cant wait to get to know them on a different level.
Life, is SO good!!!
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