Freshman 15..

Ever heard of it?! Is there such thing as the Summer 30?? We'll just say that my dates at the gym just hit another level of intimacy. It's where I will be spending hours at a time possibly multiple times a day for the next few months. I have hit a point of ultimate disappointment in how I've treated my body and I refuse to be fluffy. I am doing something about it, TODAY!!!

Just thought you all may want to know!! :))))

I apologize to those who may have come to my page for some insight or possibly just a little catch-me-up on what is going on in my life. The break from work has been ever so pleasant I must say... For the first time in a while I can say that I am sad to see summer come to an end here in the next couple of months. I've enjoyed my freedom and peace of mind away from the stress of the corporate world and of course the warm sunshine that FINALLY came around this year.

This summer I decided to take a mental break from almost everything... facebook, alcohol, and a few other things that tend to cause negative energy. I cannot stress enough how good it feels! It has officially been two months since I have drank {aside from a wedding I attended this summer, and for the record, that doesn't count} and a little over two weeks since I have deactivated my facebook account. I feel free. I feel alive. Life is good.

Life is good... and so is God. When you're out of line, he puts you in place and when you're doing the right thing, he rewards you. There was one point in my life where I questioned his existence and authority and I am so happy that I stepped out and found out for ME that he does exist, he is my authority, and that he loves me. I won't elaborate on details, I don't want to bore you but without God, I would be one miserable human being.

I will try to get and blog more with posts that have something to actually talk about. Goals, life stories, adventures etc....

Losing It...

My shortcomings and convictions have been a huge cloud looming over my head the last couple of weeks. I am so lost in the sea of them that I feel that there is no way out. These things are things that I will probably never tell anyone in my lifetime but my God knows exactly what I am guilty of. As I share this with a friend of mine today, a song was brought to our conversation. This song, word for word, expresses how I have been feeling lately. What if our God only had so much to forgive, so much that he could forget, and only allowed so many times for us to mess up?? What a mess we would be but why at this point in my life am I using that as leverage to keep committing to what I know is so wrong in His eyes? I hate the positon I have put myself in and I hate that I have allowed Satan so far in that he is controlling me without any struggle. I feel so lost and so far gone. I wanted to share this song with whomever may read this... I do have hope, there will be peace.. losing it and letting go is the most difficult part of this...

Here it goes..

Here I am... blogging... for the lack of blogging as of late...

Life has been weird [uncomfortable] but not bad. If I hadn't felt like I was having a mid life crisis before, I definitely do now. Remember that question.. what are your goals in the next 5 years? Here we are at the 3 1\2 year mark with the perfect opportunity to accomplish everything that I had set out for myself. I hadn't been far off track... who am I kidding... Ive been way off track but it seemed that everything was going well enough for me that I could settle for what I was doing. That chapter in my life has closed and it's on to the next one, the one that I really wanted, the one that I will be most happy and feel most successful, right at my fingertips, WHY am I not embracing it with all that I have? Why is it so easy for me to procrastinate, why have I not done it... if even just for myself? In all honesty, I have no answer. I can blame things on the past, on how Ive been raised, on what I did or didn't learn while growing up but if I were to say anything like that, It would be unfair to myself. Thats all an excuse now and excuses are unacceptable at this point in my life. I don't need direction, I need strength. Strength is the only thing I seem to be lacking... I can do this, there is nothing at this point holding me back. In fact, the people most important to me are pushing me forward, I need to just go. Do this for me, for those who have always known I can do it, and even for those who dont think I can. Please pray that God give me the strength to move forward and accomplish this goal that I am so childishly scared of....

Mr Blake Thiess, where do I begin? I know I've said it all before but I'm a tad proud and want the whole world to know what great of a friend that I have made...

Just over a month ago while browsing some photos of a dear friends modeling albums, I came across Blake Thiess, a photographer who had an apparent passion for what he did, who brought something out in this model that it seemed like others couldn't accomplish. The laughter, the lust, the happiness, and the beauty in these photos were untouchable. I shot Blake and email and the personality in the reply bursted out of the computer. So full of insight and common interest... it was great! Of course we talked photos, a lot. But the more we got to see a deeper side of one another, there became an understanding and a connection. We both realized we had lost touch with our inner spirituality. We both needed help and took it upon ourselves to lean on each others shoulder. My friendship with Blake is a true blessing that I can count one time over again... and again.

I want to thank Blake again for the energy, the insight, the charismatic and contagious personality he brings forth to our friendship whether it be a phone conversation, a text, a facebook IM or a photoshoot. It's such a blast! I want to share with everyone an impromptu photoshoot with Blakes new camera. The photos turned out [exceptionally] well and I am so proud to post them everywhere. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do and I hope that one day you are lucky enough to work with him too. Check out his blog and photography website... Phenomenal is an understatement.

http://blakejamesphotography.blogspot.com/
http://blakejamesphotography.com/

Trying so hard...

I spend so much time trying so hard to be what I have set to be for other people. The smile they need when they're having a.bad day, the laugh they want to share, the happiness they're missing, the friend, the sister, the girlfriend, and the daughter they are looking for. I am so content and at peace with all of those things until I search deep for the smile of my own I need when I'm having a bad day, the happiness I am missing from my own life, and the person I want to be, for me. What road am I meant to travel, who is meant to come along and in my journey if I am so empty, how am I suppose to genuinely give allof these things to those that I love the most?? I am trying so hard to be a better girlfriend because I fall short every single day, I am trying hard to be a great friend and a loving sister but everyday feel like I am failing miserably. I need to try hard being me... but I am so scared of losing... losing this unknown battle of emotions and outcomes... I need some guidance, some direction, is anyone out there?

Light amidst the Darkness

Tonight, I decided to take a mental break from the world. Something I feel is necessary to flush out anything that has caused any form of stress, animosity, or negativity.

I lit seven candles this evening and set them in the window sill of my bedroom. Seven beautiful candles,each of their own deep and vibrant color,each of their own dancing flicker from the calm summer-like night breeze. Each somehow holding their own meaning, their own song, their own story of love,of hardship,of losses and of gain.

Now, only six dancing flickers, the first taken by a force of wind that it couldn't stand to hold. I've decided that this one represents those that I have lost, those that I have lost to a battle they chose to lose all on their own. Those that gave up so easily to the strong winds of life... the winds that came and then gone. Those that no matter how big the number nor how tall the crowd didn't see that their light was the brightest shining light amongst all of our own.

Two more are fading away, these represent those I use to call my friend, those who didn't seem to understand that friendship was a whole lot more than the good times. Those that thought they'd be better off finding something that can only be found in a childs dream. Those that only heard what they wanted rather than having an appreciation for someone who wouldn't tell them anything but the truth... Fading away and then gone.

Four are still lit, one with no movement, an almost blinding, still brightness, two together, with completely different dances, and another, that when it's focused on, lets off its beautiful aroma and ever so often bright flicker. The beautiful aroma of the earth, the chirping of birds, the flow of the river, the dance of the trees, and the coming and going of the sun. The two together are my family and friends that even so dim in comparison to the still canndle, are shining brightly, continuously there, dancing their own dances but coming together to stand the test of time of what true love and friendship really is. Lastly, my God, shining brightly and still, always, always watching me, always letting me be who I wish to be, and if I choose, always shining so bright as my reminder that HE is the one guiding my way,who without, the others would not exist.

I will fall asleep tonight, as I do every night, with these four candles always lit in my life. Each one of them a blessing.

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12